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Deep Thoughts(29)
Drinking Problem Solver

Symptom Fault Action Required
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

Glass empty.

Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Floor swaying. Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it You have fallen over backward. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.
Everything has gone dark. The Bar is closing. Panic.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in

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