Posted: 2007-09-04
Hobo
Dear Rev,
I'm from a small town and most nights, there's nothing to do. So, to pass the time in the evenings, I like to go down to the abandoned train tracks and burn a hobo alive (it's okay, we don't have a shortage of them where I'm from).
Anyways, I have a couple questions. How can I get my girlfriend, family and the local congregation to get involved? I don't believe that what I am doing is wrong -- it is freedom of expression. And I've decided that this is what I want to do with my life...and that I do not want to be an accountant, like my dad wants me to be. I feel that this is an art-form, and feel that God wants me to share my art. Please give me some advice.
| Rev Valentin Responds:
There are several things to consider here. First, it is not socially acceptable to burn people alive, unless you are in the Army, so it is highly unlikely that you will be able to convince your community to accept your “art”. Second, you seem to overly justify your actions, which begs the question: are you trying to convince me, or yourself?
If, upon careful self reflection, you find that you still believe what you wrote, then remember this: we are all free to create our art, but there are natural consequences to what we do. Also: there are less extreme ways to avoid becoming an accountant.
Final advice: find another activity that excites you the same way burning hobos does, but that is socially acceptable, and do that instead of becoming an accountant.
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Posted: 2007-09-04
Rev, where are you?
I love the advice column here, but I haven't seen any action in awhile,
wtf? Rev, where the hell are you?? My sister wants to hook up with you dude!
O-diddy
| Rev Valentin Responds:
Well, dear readers, on occasion even a licensed Reverend needs to take a spiritual journey. For by looking within, one can see the path more clearly.
It feels great to be back, and I look forward to your always challenging questions.
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Posted: 2007-09-04
Rev, where are you?
I love the advice column here, but I haven't seen any action in awhile,
wtf? Rev, where the hell are you?? My sister wants to hook up with you dude!
O-diddy
| Rev Valentin Responds:
Well, dear readers, on occasion even a licensed Reverend needs to take a spiritual journey. For by looking within, one can see the path more clearly.
It feels great to be back, and I look forward to your always challenging questions.
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Posted: 2007-09-04
Rev, where are you?
I love the advice column here, but I haven't seen any action in awhile,
wtf? Rev, where the hell are you?? My sister wants to hook up with you dude!
O-diddy
| Rev Valentin Responds:
Well, dear readers, on occasion even a licensed Reverend needs to take a spiritual journey. For by looking within, one can see the path more clearly.
It feels great to be back, and I look forward to your always challenging questions.
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Posted: 2004-05-28
Sad Clown
I'm a clown really. I do kids parties, fundraisers, etc.... But lately I've
been crying inside since i haven't been able to make people happy. I think
it's the fact that I've been using the same tricks for years. Have kids
changed so much that pulling rabbits from hats isn't funny any more.
I'm at the point that i can't even go to a job without stopping at the bar
first.
Clown
| Rev Valentin Responds:
Dear Clown,
I was so moved by your plight that it has taken me months to reply (and for that I'm sorry). The sad truth is...kids have changed. The children of today are inheriting a world full of commodities, mass communication, extreme wealth and extreme poverty, name brand food and electromagnetic radiation. They are no longer amused by anything really, not even TV, so don't feel so bad.
Clowns will always have their place in this world, but as with all of us, their roles may have to change. I suggest entertaining the children who grow up and become disaffected workers... and on the upside, this can be done in the bar.
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Posted: 2004-02-17
Moral issues
Dear Rev,
My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to look at horse-pornography with him, but I object to the whole issue on moral grounds. As a man of the cloth, what advice could you give me?
Astrogirl
Astrogirl
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Dear Astrogirl,
Unfortunately, your sexual desires will not always be in complete harmony with your lovers'. Don't worry though, if this is the right relationship for you, it can survive a little horse porn. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about his insistence that you both share in his twisted fantasy life, but don't neglect to listen to his point of view either.
Have an open mind, afterall, we should be alot more worried about the destruction of animal habitats the world over (as well as their being hunted into extinction), than a few dreamers giving the horses a little love.
Rev. Valentin
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Posted: 2004-02-01
Home Decorating
dear rev-val,
I am trying to give my house a "makeover". I want really exciting colour combinations and things that will make my place seem like a fun area to hang out, for example, when my friends come over. I've never been much of an expert on wall colours and home decoration and need advice! Where do i begin?
thank you reverend Valentin!!
from, Unsure
Unsure
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Dear Unsure,
First of all, your house should not just "seem" to be a fun place to hang out... it must actually BE a fun place to hang out. I believe you are on the right track towards this goal if you are thinking about the colours/decorating of your home. There are no easy answers to your qualms, a thorough knowledge of feng shui would help you, also... try this: take a fortnights spiritual retreat (somewhere other than your home, I suggest...Cuba) and clear your mind of it. Upon your return, walk around your abode, lie on the floors, touch the walls etc. and make a list of the things you wish to change...then actually make the changes promptly.
Remember, if you are not satisfied at first with a new colour or other change, you can always do it over! The important thing is to have begun your journey towards the home you desire.
Rev. Valentin
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Posted: 2003-08-19
The Rev.
Dear Rev., I don't need any advice right now, but I have a question for you. Why did you make so many spelling errors in the last advice?
Yours, Concerned.
x
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Dear Concerned, at the time of the last advice, I was most unfortunately under the influence of said intoxicant. I hereby apologize to all my fans and critics...it wont happen again, I swear.
Rev. Valentin
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Posted: 2003-08-19
Waiting to be 19
Dear Rev,
I can't wait to be 19 but it's still a year and a bit away. I want to party
as I found that I've wasted away most of my highschool experience. Finding a
fake i.d is so hard these days can you help me out?
Youngen
Youngen
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Dear minor,
I will not under any circumstances engage in illegal activity. So as I can't help you obtain fake id, I will do what I do best: give you advice. You should pay a visit to one of the many countries that facilitates the enebriation of minors such as yourself... your many choices include Mexico, Guatemala, France and Cuba. In fact, most civolized countries are sympathetic to your plight. Always keep in mind, however, that the country of Quebec will welcome you with open arms as soon as you turn 18. Vive la difference.
Rev. Valentin
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Posted: 2003-04-06
Fake Nipples
dear rev. valentin,
My boyfriend recently bought me a pair of fake nipples for my birthday. The
problem is, I don't know what to do with them! Am I supposed to attach them to
the outside of my bra so that I always look aroused? or put them directly on my
real ones and not wear a bra? or put them somewhere else? Any advice?
Willing, but confused
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
I recommend that you get him to wear them. I think that he is sending you a subtle message about the direction that he would like your sexual relationship to take… of course, you could wear them too, but try to include your boyfriend as well. As for the mechanics of wearing the nipples, I would venture to suggest that they be worn overtop of your regular nipples, or very close to them, to create the illusion that you actually have 4 of them.
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Posted: 2003-03-06
*Hello Rev. Valentine,
Your advice column is great! I have concerns about my friend...a couple of weeks ago I used my friends computer to write an essay. To my utter dismay I found very amateur pics of someone using a toilet. Perverse but not worth writing about, until...I went to the bathroom looked at his toilet and noticed something. There was a web camera taped to the underside of the toilet! But, my supposedly hetero friend had pics of all his male friends and a scant few female friends! I have not talked to him about this, it is a weird topic to discuss. To make matters worse my friend Jason is always trying to make me use the bathroom, he tries to make it a competition, like "Travis uses this bathroom twice a day". Well I guess he would know. I feel violated! My ass and its’ contents could be all over the internet! How do I talk to Jason and his ass/feces fetish?
From Poop Scared
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Dear friend, this is a serious situation. First of all, you should avoid using the bathroom that you know your friend has bugged, try making excuses like “I can’t stand the colour scheme in that bathroom ha ha”. Use necessary caution in his other bathrooms as well, for example by checking the toilet for cams before using it. I think that your discovery of Jason’s behavior was not accidental, it was probably a desperate cry for help from him. He needs to know that you support him as a friend, but that his sick behavior must stop. When the opportunity presents itself, ask him if he needs a hug… then after hugging him, tell him about your discovery and tell him that you’ll be his friend throughout, and that you will help him to deal with his little problem.
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Posted: 2003-03-04
Dear Rev
Please help me. I’ve been with the same guy now for 2 years and I have never reached orgasm. We have tried everything to get me off…oral sex, me on top but nothing. He always seems to get off though. So if you have any thing for me like an orgasm it would be much appreciated. Do you think that maybe I am wasting my time with this no orgasm loser?
Unknown
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
In this case I feel that you may not really love your boyfriend, and that you are ignoring the lack of chemistry between the two of you for some reason (perhaps for the security of having a long term relationship). If this is true you should find a new man. On the other hand, maybe the problem is you and will repeat itself if you find a new man, after all, no one can FORCE you to have an orgasm… If this is the case you should try to de-emphasize the importance of having an “orgasm” in your mind. Dwelling upon it could be the very thing preventing you from encountering it. You should keep the following in mind: The Kong Fu student who trains to become a master will never be a master, but he who trains simply to train can achieve mastery of the art
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Posted: 2003-03-04
Rev
need your help, I am a 15 year old girl and I have fallen pregnant. Here’s the thing though, I slept with not just one guy but three! One was on holiday and the second was my boyfriend and the third was his father. My boyfriend has no idea. Really I felt taken advantage of by his father. He is 49 years old and my boyfriend is 21 and the man on holiday was 31. I do lie about my age, but what have I done? If my boyfriend finds out he will kill me. None of them know that I am pregnant so should I pretend it’s my boyfriends? The only thing is the man from my holiday was black and my boyfriend and his father are white. So I am screwed if the baby comes out black. Maybe I should have an abortion and just forget about it. Please help me I am at my wits’ end,
yours truly Chantel
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Chantel, there is no use in pretending anything… you must be honest with yourself and others, then some of your problems will disappear and the others will be brought into a sphere of reality where you can deal with them. Your boyfriend must accept you for who you are, and your past promiscuity is a part of who you are now. If he is unable to accept this, then you must make a clear and firm decision as to whether you can accept him, and then act accordingly. As for your child, this decision goes beyond petty social etiquette. To have a child is to add a new link to your particular life chain, stretching through space and time… if you feel ready for this most sacred human rite, then go with the flow and be prepared for the consequences.
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Posted: 2003-03-02
Dear Rev. Valentin
share a room with my little sister Julia, and I don't think I can stand it anymore! She drives me crazy! Every time I do something "bad", like sneaking boys in, she tells our mom or holds it against me forever. Now she's started attacking me while I sleep, biting me or throwing poo on my face… What should I do?!?
Frustrated, Christine.
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
This is a very troubling situation Christine, you certainly cannot ignore it in the hopes that it will disappear. You need to employ honesty and open discourse with your parents and your sister. Try to move your quarters to another area of your house (even the basement or attic) to relieve tensions between you and your sister. Also, try to spend some social time with your sister outside of your room, so that you can forge a stronger sisterly bond and thus reduce tensions between you. Lastly, try self examination to determine what things you may be doing to drive your sister crazy! Act upon your conclusions!
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Posted: 2003-03-01
Dear Rev
My name is Peter and I am a homosexual. I came out of the closet about 8 years ago in high school, and everything has been going great for me. That is, until recently, you see, I've been having very hetero thoughts recently, and I am a little confused. Could I be going straight? Should I try to suppress my new feelings, or go with them and change my lovelife and style completely?
Confused, Peter.
| Rev. Valentin Responds:
Peter my son, what you are experiencing may be disconcerting, but you can make it through this. I strongly suspect that you are a "bi-sexual", someone who is attracted to both sexes. Consider yourself lucky, for you take pleasure in all humanity! Do not try to suppress your new feelings, but neither suppress your deep homosexual feelings. There is no need to change your love life radically, just be honest with whatever partner you happen to have…your style, on the other hand, should be an expression of yourself, and so while it may now change, you should not be pre-occupied with it.
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